Last month my family had a pretty serious health moment with one of my kids needing emergency brain surgery. I am glad to report that the surgery was a huge success and she is doing fantastic!
In the process, everyone and I mean everyone, asked what they could do to help. My next article will give you some ideas of what to do, but this one is what NOT to do.
1. Do not ask how the patient is doing. No, I don't mean don't ever ask, I mean respect the family's way of communicating and the info they are giving out. I shared on Facebook my daughter's journey and I posted several times a day. I am sure many people thought it was TMI (too much information), but still a few people felt the need to call, text, and Facebook message me asking how she was doing. (One person asked 17 times in the first 24 hours.) Families are overwhelmed with the information they are being given in the hospital and are doing their best to process that info with the people who need to know the answers. Not you. No matter who you are. (My brothers who do not live in town and are rarely on Facebook didn't find out til the 13th. I felt horrible that I didn't tell them earlier, but they understood.)
2. Don't bring flowers or giant stuffed animals. Flowers are not allowed in ICU units in case of allergies with anyone on the unit, and giant stuffed animals take up valuable, limited space. Also, don't bring candy, food, etc unless you know the patient can have it. The best way to know? Call the nursing station and ask questions. Don't ask the family. (See above).
3. Don't ask what you can do to help. Again, this isn't about not helping. It's that processing more than what is directly in front of you isn't happening. Ask a specific question... Can I sit with the patient while you get a shower? Can I bring you a healthy lunch tomorrow? Can I babysit for you on Thursday morning? I am going to the store, do you have a favorite snack or toothpaste I could pick up for you? (The more specific your question is, the more likely the family is to take you up on the offer or modify to their need.) My kids all cook and often eat dinner late at night. They didn't want homemade dinners delivered at 5. But when someone offered to deliver dinner, I gave them what worked for my kids. "Because of their erratic schedules, they are asking that you drop things off that they can cook with. Nonperishables that can sit on the porch til they get home. Fruits, veggies, pasta, sauces, potatoes, things like that."
4. Don't assume the patient will want visitors. Don't assume the patient won't want visitors. Each patient and their family will have different opinions. My orders to the nursing station. "If anyone shows up to visit my child, let them come in." I posted and encouraged people to visit. But again, don't contact the family to make arrangements or find out where the patient was. Call the hospital. Ask about visiting hours and any limitations. In the Pediatric ICU, my daughter was only allowed 2 people in the room at a time. Some nurses would allow a third (occasionally even a 4th). Some were very insistent on two. I also had access to a Ronald McDonald family room that allow the people who were waiting to see my daughter to be comfortable. I didn't like to leave her alone, but I also knew for her mental health, it was important she see others. So when we got overcrowded, I left the room. Not all moms will do that.
5. Don't stop caring just because everyone left the hospital. Extra doctor appointments, patient care, and parental concern still inhibits my functioning some days. Dinners may still be appreciated, flowers and giant stuffed animals brought to amuse my house bound teen would be great. Visitors are still welcome and there is no more limit of two. Now without a hospital staff to help guide you, you will have to communicate with the family, but again.... be specific. Can I bring dinner on Tuesday night? Would you like to get out and grab a cup of coffee on Friday? Do you need someone to sit with the patient while we grab that coffee?
So that is my "What NOT to Do" rant. Thanks for listening. Next week, look for the list of all the amazing ways you can help out. So you won't have to say, "What can I do to help?"
Be Healthy!
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